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| 2006 Best Of The Bay: A Vision Of The Future | ||||||||||||
The horror began when certain snobbish residents of the Castro started calling themselves quaffs, for "queers and fairy friends." The warlike a-gends of SoMa and the tranoids of the Tenderloin felt disincluded and banded together to destroy them. Operation Rainbow Tentacles was launched on the fog-drenched morning of George 28, 2033 — oh, the carnage was awful! The quaffs fought off the relentless attacks in vain. Their gymbot army was immediately neutralized by blasts from the tranoids' attitude cannons, and the a-gends used their combined hormone power to fashion a giant mechanical RuPaul that brought down three city blocks with one sharp stomp of her 16-foot Ferragamos. The fairies were instantly crushed, a cloud of burnt sage mushrooming up from their spirit circle. The shrieks!
For those of us caught in the middle, those who didn't identify as anything in particular, it was worse. One minute I was walking my exquisite bonsai shitzu, Dufty3, dashing in his argyle sweater and matching smog helmet, up 17th Street; the next minute poor Dufty3 lay smeared on the sidewalk around me, exploded by a tranoid's laser eye-ray. Who knew there was so much stuff inside such a little dog? I ran inside Orphan Andy's and hid beneath a plate of cyberbiscuits. Within a week, the Castro was reduced to smoking rubble, its buildings like the brown-gray shards of a hustler's teeth. The remaining quaffs used International Male swimsuits and bullets filled with Calvin Klein's Obsession for Men to repel the attacking forces. The conflict escalated, 300 dead, 500 dead, then 5,000 — it looked like we were all facing extinction, until President Lypsinka called in the Invisible Lesbian Strike Force to restore order and eventually wring a truce from the aggravated tribes.
Now the Castro's been renamed the QASTRO, for Queens, Astrodykes, Steroidoids, Telegenders, Randy-nellies, and Oh-whatever-the-hell-else. A new flag, all beige, flies where the huge rayon rainbow flag disintegrated into ashes. No one talks about the conflict for fear of soiling our media image in the heartland, and the Food and Dog Administration rations out nano-canines in little purple pills. The neighborhood's coming back too, regelling around the few small businesses that survived the bloody onslaught. Below are some that played a key role in what's become known as the 30-Brunch War.
BEST BLAST OF JONQUILS
Idiots for espresso, we were running from the Duboce Park neutral zone to Café Flore for a batch of against-rations caramel macchiatos when a pack of rabid a-gends looting mandolins from Peacock Music spotted us and began firing their estroguns. In a panic we dove for the nearest opening — and into fragrant piles of dazzling blooms. It was Guy's Flowers, a garage-storefront operated by the ever-ebullient and Technicolor-dream-wardrobe-accoutred Guy himself since 1984. "I know," one of us thought aloud. "We can diffuse their blasts with patriarchal tokens of romantic affection!" We frantically scooped up armfuls of daffodils, jonquils, daisies, hollyhocks, and whatever else we could grab from Guy's wide selection. (He even whipped up beaucoup de bouquets for us to fend off the attackers.) We blasted the a-gends with floral love until their hearts melted and we were free to go grab those well-deserved macchiatos.
15th St. and Noe, SF. (415) 626-0236
BEST CAFÉ QUEEN
Holy crepe. A gaggle of tranoids were patrolling the neighborhood, and our quaff neighbors were about to grab us and use us as human shields. Those quaffs will turn on you in a minute if it means they can live one more day for Madonna. Sneakily, we overplumped our lips with a bright red Puffy Pen and glued Popsicle sticks onto our nails to avoid detection by the tranoids and snuck into Queen Malika café. "Queen Malika," we asked, "can we humbly apply for your protection?" She gave us a delicious savory crepe loaded with steaming spinach, egg, cheese, and ham. "Queen Malika, how can we all ever come together in peace and harmony?" She brewed us up an amazing café Africano, dark as the gathering clouds of smoke outside. "Queen Malika, what are we to do during all this horrible and violent disturbance?" The cute guys behind her counter kindly offered to put extra whipped cream on our crispy strawberries-and-cinnamon desert crepe. Queen Malika, you're a goddess.
4416 18th St., SF. (415) 626-4416
BEST PORNOCOPIA
Tellingly, a large swath of quaffs at some point holed up at (where else?) Superstar Satellite, the Castro's largest adult video rental emporium, in an attempt to evade the inexorable incursion. Huddled among the twink porn, the grandpa-lovers videos, and the silicone-injection fetish DVDs, they passively awaited their fates while reading box covers and drooling over the massive array of buffed-up Brazilian studs on offer in the Latin Men section. The ever-eager staff even helped them while away the hours by digging up hard-to-find titles like Santa's Cummin' (their sealed fate somehow made them feel festive). There was also a plethora of famous camp and wide-release titles to delve into to pass the time as the tranoids and a-gends advanced down Castro from Hot Cookie and Ingenious to visit horrible doom upon them. But with Raiders of the Lost Arse and Passion Fruits on-screen, what a way to go!
474 Castro, SF. (415) 863-3333, www.castrovideostore.com
BEST COCKTAIL-FREE ZONE
Desperate to find a place to hide and finally get some sleep (the bags under our eyes could have been the San Francisco twins), we crawled our way up the stairs of the one place in the Castro we knew would hold no appeal to most of the quaffs, tranoids, and a-gends — Castro Country Club, the liquor-free bar and hangout that wonderfully serves the social needs of community members in recovery. We thirstily partook of CCC's smoothies and coffee drinks, noshed on its stash of yummy pastries, and even played a few rounds of ol'-fashioned video games with some of the cool kids who congregate there regularly (in the past, we'd see them hanging on the steps outside all the time, eyeing us warily). The joint's been a sober gay socialite's ground zero since 1983, and lemme tell you, it was a real party in there when we realized that sobriety, like flowers, has the power to repel a lot of people we didn't really want around anyway. We grabbed a pack of Uno cards and made our way to the back patio, where we could smoke and shoot the breeze as the Castro fell in all around us.
4058 18th St., SF. (415) 552-6102
BEST COMMUNITY HEELER
Shoes! They were our last line of defense as we sought to ward off the warring parties — and they turned out to be the key to peace as well. Although the Invisible Lesbian Strike Force had used its legendary hair power to immobilize all fronts with unbreachable walls of molding mud and blinding highlights, it wasn't until Invisible Lesbian General Horatia M. Maraschino pointed out the horrifying wear-and-tear the constant battling had inflicted on everyone's hoofers that all parties finally broke down (weeping) and agreed to a truce. Her rousing speech, "A Mile in Someone, Anyone Else's, Shoes," will live forever in the annals of military history. Swept up in one enormous mass of purpose, the a-gends, the tranoids, the quaffs, and the rest of us threw down our arms and fell into one another's embraces, marching together to Pioneer Renewer full-service shoe repair shop, where, no matter what style or size, our shoes — like our community — were patched up, polished, and restored to face a glorious new day. The shoes finally fit — and, honey, we wore them.
4501 18th St., SF. (415) 255-4576
By Johnny Ray Huston
If you call one of this city's many grimy hoods your home, then Glen Park — and Glen Canyon — is an oasis. It's a place where you can replenish yourself and rev up for the short-term future; a place where you can have a one-day vacation without even leaving the city. The air is fresher, and car-crammed roads are mere squiggles in the distance. The fact that Glen Park's petite commercial district is crammed with salons is proof positive that the residents keep it together.
But what about the long-term future of Glen Park, a place so often described in terms — the word quaint meekly nudges its way to the front of my mind — redolent of nostalgia? Pondering that 21st-century question, I ventured into Modernpast, a shop dedicated to forward-thinking design from the mid-20th century.
As smart as he is smartly attired, owner and designer Ric López knows better than anyone that retro and future are entwined. President of the neighborhood's merchants association, he also has so many local projects in motion that he can joke that he's the "Glen" of Glen Park. Besides running Modernpast and its connected gallery, López is remaking his Red Rock bar into a French bistro, and he's planning to open a minimalist sushi eatery — where the waitstaff will sport Weston Wear — across the street.
Holding court at Modernpast's front counter, a pair of attractive Jean Conner paintings behind him, Lopez predicted that Glen Park will soon cast off its rep as a "quaint village" to fully assume an identity as a "new urban village." Rejecting big-box business and conducting "outreach for people with ideas" are two ways the area is honing its singular identity at a time when many other SF neighborhoods and shoppers seem to think the city’s history begins in 1998. Within the year, in addition to Lopez's ventures, an organic gourmet pizza parlor will arrive, and the area's library, which has bounced from Diamond to Chenery many times since 1927, will be opening in a new 8,000-square-foot manifestation. How can you not love a place where the only big box is a library? This neighborhood can feed you, read you, and lead you to a better tomorrow.
BEST CLUB SANDWICH LOVERS' CLUB
The line out the door every weekend morning tells you all you need to know about the delicious, unpretentious delights of Tyger's Coffee Shop. Is there a better club sandwich in the city? (The underrated Red Café on Mission Street is Tyger’s only competition.) Tyger's breakfasts — including jumbo raisin-walnut French toast, vegan sausage, and omelets — are as tasty as they are easy on the wallet. The deserved popularity of Tyger's means that folks waiting in line during rush periods leave newspapers aplenty for those hungry loners who choose their visiting hours wisely, and even if it's packed, you can count on quick service with speed-of-light coffee refills. Attention, cat kitsch lovers: Keep an eye out for the framed photo of the tabby wearing a feathered headdress.
2798 Diamond, SF. (415) 239-4060, www.tygerscoffeshop.com
BEST PROOF THAT THE BEAT GOES ON
Pass the array of newspapers and magazines outside the shop, go into Bird and Beckett Books and Records, and look for the shelf devoted strictly to books by and about Samuel Beckett and the pictorial tome Birds of Paradise, by Michael Everett. Even if you fail to find it, you'll uncover a reader's paradise in the process — a characterful, warm, and affable place with wholly unique used and new poetry and film sections (to name two) that prove quality bests the smothering quantity in your average boring Borders. There's an amazing bunch of books about SF history, including the comprehensive Images of America series devoted to specific neighborhoods. There's great used vinyl ranging from Mabel Mercer to Antonio Carlos Jobim. There's a piano, lying in wait for Friday night and first-Sunday jazz performances. And there's proof, in broadsides and in reading events, that Diane di Prima, Jack Hirschman, and others have more to say about the world today than the Grey Lady and her many relatives.
2788 Diamond, SF. (415) 586-3733, www.bird-beckett.com
BEST PUBLIC COURTS FOR PRIVATE TYPES
Any tennis maniac who can't or won't throw down monthly money for an overpriced club membership knows the value of free public courts in secluded or slightly out-of-the-way locations. Nestled in the southeast corner of Glen Canyon Park, the Peter Folger Tennis Courts fit the bill and then some as a pair of individually fenced-in courts — no Dolores Park mayhem here — that also allow for discretion. It isn't easy for casual onlookers to see you and your partner do your best (or worst) imitation of this year's women's Wimbledon winner giving her opponent the vengeful beatdown she deserved, or to see you kiss after a rally like you know this year's men's French Open and Wimbledon finalists secretly wanted to do. Yeah, the skeezy Buena Vista Tennis Courts are better hidden, but the winds caress the trees tenderly here.
Chenery and Elk, Glen Canyon Park, SF.
BEST NEEDLING FOR YOUR QI
At your average trad doctor, a needle can mean only one thing — a shot that won't feel good. But you know the drill about average trad doctors: They'll target the symptom alone when maybe they should be taking a more expansive view of treatment. Expansive and in-depth care is what you'll find at East-West Integrative Medicine Clinic, where Marnie McCurdy — a licensed practitioner of traditional Chinese medicine who also has experience as a certified hepatitis C practitioner and a CMT — brings years of training to acupuncture. In other words, here, when you face the needle(s), your qi will say thank you.
650 Chenery, SF. (415) 987-7578, www.eastwestsf.com
BEST HEART IN YOUR FOAM
This ain't no Starbucks, this ain't no fooling around. Calling all coffee geeks: Café Bello is the type of place where the baristas can make a heart shape in the foam of your latte. They could probably even do it blindfolded, though I didn't force them to — there's always a next time. Clean, quiet, minimalist, and sunny on even the grayest day, thanks to the sherbet-hued walls, this spot roasts coffee beans daily and features blended drinks, oolong specialties, and many other kinds of tea from Red Blossom Tea Company. You can also buy an AeroPress vacuum brewer here, but why bother trying for the same effect at home when you're likely to heart anything — foamy or not — these folks serve up?
2885 Diamond, SF. (415) 585-3457
BEST RETRO-FUTURIST'S DELIGHT
Welcome to the Terradome — or, rather, the store where you'll find and immediately want to buy a beautiful Terradome. You don't have to be what creator Ric López (mentioned above) calls a "techy hippie" to appreciate his beautiful see-through acrylic terrariums. Exemplifying López's ideas about design within reach, they range in size and in price, going for as low as $85. And as an added bonus, none of them contain Biodome "star" Pauly Shore — the plant life within them is succulent rather than lecherous. The Terradome family greets you when you walk into López's store, Modernpast, but beyond it lies an austere wonderland of midcentury glass, pottery, and home furnishings. Eames LaFonda chairs, check. Higgins glass galore, check. Gorgeous "Imperial Lipstick"–colored Phyllis Morris thrones that are as tall and skinny as a supermodel, check. Select 20th-century original artworks, huge check — that hopefully won't bounce.
677 Chenery, SF. (415) 333-9007, www.modernpast.com
By Emily Landes
In all the hoopla surrounding the centennial of the great San Francisco earthquake and fire, much attention was paid to the destruction that can be wrought by Mother Nature's temper tantrums. But what about the good that can come from a sudden seismic shake-up? The Loma Prieta earthquake, for example, was awesome for Hayes Valley. Before the 1989 quake, the neighborhood was best known as that seedy spot under the Central Freeway, which had entrances on Franklin and Gough Streets. But in the years since the freeway's destruction, Hayes Valley has transformed from an area with a lot of asphalt and very little foot traffic into an independent-minded mecca for foodies, art lovers, and design buffs.
Even as Hayes Valley has sprinted toward gentrification, it has somehow managed to remain a bastion of unique boutiques, restaurants, and galleries — most famously fighting off a Starbucks that dared to attempt entry to the neighborhood. Looking to the future, Hayes Valley will hopefully continue in the direction epitomized by the places on this list: with an emphasis on style, design, and good taste that compromises neither accessibility nor character.
BEST FERMENTED ART GALLERY
It might bill itself as " America's First Sake Store," but in actuality True Sake is more like an art gallery where all the featured works happen to get you tipsy. Most of this unique sake enclave's bottles are lit dramatically from behind, the prices displayed on silver disks hanging from the bottles on thick red strings. Descriptive paragraphs of text displayed nearby include food-pairing recommendations ("shrimp dumplings"), a discussion of where and how the sake was created, and a one-word summary characterizing the contents ("silky") — so you can walk away sounding like a pro. The goal of True Sake's owner, the very un-Japanese Beau Timken, is to make good sake appealing to Americans who may be familiar only with inferior versions of the rice-based drink common at sushi bar happy hours. Even True Sake's $8 "juice boxes," meant to be frozen and turned into sake slushies, are better than anything you've ever "bombed."
560 Hayes, SF. (415) 355-9555, www.truesake.com
BEST INSTANT BABY LUST
We've all heard about how families are fleeing San Francisco. Maybe some of them would come back if there were more stores like Lavish, an infants’ and children’s clothing store with the philosophy that if six-month-olds could dress themselves, they wouldn't be caught dead in that white, poofy number from Grandma. With the help of Lavish, your progeny can be infant revolutionaries in Che Guevara–adorned onesies or hit the toddler comedy circuit in coveted Wrybaby wear (typical inscription: "I might barf"). The store has plenty of items for parents too, like diaper bags with Pucciesque sashes, Dwell baby linens, Ugly Dolls, and tons of neato toys you're glad you're old enough to try to fit in your mouth. Looking for a gift that both parent and child will appreciate? Try the Pee Pee Tee Pee — a fashionably printed fabric cone that shields Mom and Dad from any unexpected spraying during their new son's diaper change (and also saves said son from embarrassing tales of his wayward aim later).
540 Hayes, SF. (415) 565-0540, www.shoplavish.com
BEST GIFTS ON THE FLY
Flight 001 is a travel accessories store for those who want to relive the good ol' pre-deregulation days, when plane trips evoked thoughts of far-flung destinations and high style, not long lines of people in sweatpants and easily removable shoes. Everything sold here is designed to remind you that travel can be fun, from the wild, floral eye mask and neck pillow sets to the T-shirts emblazoned with in-flight safety instruction illustrations. The store also has an abundance of that number one travel essential, luggage, from camo print carry-ons to classic black Samsonite cases. Obviously, a store that puts this much emphasis on traveling with flair wouldn't send you away with ordinary packaging. Ask for your items gift wrapped, and the staff will lovingly enfold your new, bubblegum pink leather luggage tag in brightly colored tissue paper, insert it into what can only be described as a snap-topped shopping bag from outer space, and close the whole thing with a luggage claim–like sticker. It's up to you to write down the gift's point of departure (you) and arrival (your lucky friend).
525 Hayes, SF. (415) 487-1001, www.flight001.com
BEST CIVIL WAR WAFFLES
Many restaurants have taken up residence at the corner of Hayes and Laguna over the past few years, and it seems as though all of them have barely opened their doors before closing them again. Hopefully the location's newest tenant, Modern Tea, can avoid that business Bermuda Triangle fate. A friendly, casual, yet well-mannered atmosphere perfectly matches Modern Tea's mostly organic, locally grown dinner and weekend brunch menus, whose more bizarre-sounding options are sure to entice those with adventurous palates. Take the Civil War waffles, so named because of the mid-19th-century griddle on which this delicious cornmeal-based brunch option is made. One bite and you'll never go back to Bisquick. Also alluring is the bread strata, a homey bread pudding layered with goat cheese and roasted tomatoes; it comes with a salad and is available on both menus. The dining options are uniformly tasty but fairly tame compared with the exotic choices on the restaurant's extensive tea menu, which sorts teas by caffeine level and country of origin (from Armenia to Nepal). Those used to getting their caffeine from a bean rather than a leaf will be happy to know that the approachable, well-informed servers will ask how you take your coffee before guiding you to your new favorite tea.
602 Hayes, SF. (415) 626-5406, www.moderntea.com
BEST SPORK
Perhaps the owners of Friend were thinking about that friend we all have who's always effortlessly stylish and modern without being stuck up about it when they named their design-obsessed housewares store. Friend has all the household items you already possess, but better: a statuesque wood pepper mill, a juicer that resembles a streamlined version of a rocket from a ’60s-era sci-fi flick, and an enormous conical metal grater. Even the dust busters sold here are sleek additions to home decor. The staff is helpful when asked and not pushy or didactic — if you're looking for a design tutorial, you're better off bringing home one of Friend's many coffee-table books; they're informative and, of course, well designed. But it isn't all clean lines and shiny finishes at Friend; the proprietors must have a sense of humor to stock items like the narrow silver utensil that has a fork at one end and a spoon at the other. Bring that to Taco Bell and watch the plastic-pushing patrons swoon with envy.
401 Hayes, SF. (415) 552-1717, www.friend-sf.com
Yes, it's that time of year when the fog rolls into the city and stays for the day or the week. Fog envelops the avenues, lurks in the Marina, and is ever ready to pounce on the Mission. So it's not surprising that some San Franciscans gaze wistfully to the far shores and hills, over at the warm, sunny apparition known as Oakland, where the copper gold triangles of the Federal Building gleam enticingly in the late-afternoon sun. Go east, people. Shed your sweaters and get warm!
Oakland has a growing art scene relatively near downtown, the monthly Art Murmur walkabout (first Fridays of the month; www.oaklandartmurmur.com) being good evidence of it. Downtown is also ground zero for a number of activist groups — among them the Ruckus Society, Public Citizen, and Save the Bay. Good bars and restaurants dot the area and, of course, there is the Paramount Theatre, a crown jewel of art deco excess that tops anything San Francisco can offer. Then there is the other crown jewel that Oakland offers, Lake Merritt. Oh yeah, and Oakland just elected Ron Dellums as mayor — what could be cooler than that?
So come, emerge blinking into the sunshine from the 12th Street BART station, unwind your scarves, and look around. Then look upward at the Tribune Tower on 13th Street — a perfect example of the kind of art deco, Metropolis-style castle-tower in which editor Perry White, of Daily Planet fame, would have been proud to terrorize a newsroom.
Now that you've got an idea of what art deco architecture looks like, keep your eyes peeled — Oakland has one of the finest collections of the style west of the Mississippi. There are gorgeous deco buildings, wonderful accents, and amazing tile work all over town. There are the jade-veined tiles and Babylonian bas-relief of the old I. Magnin Building at 2001 Broadway; the bright orange–and–black tiled Howden Building at 17th Street and Webster; the iridescent, sleek blue-black of the former Oakland Floral Depot and the shiny facade of the hapless Fox Theater, both at 19th Street and Telegraph.
Even the relatively recent, somewhat hulking additions to Frank Ogawa Plaza near City Hall try to maintain a deco feel. The plaza is named after an Oakland native son; Ogawa was the first Japanese American to serve the Oakland City Council, beginning in 1966. He was interned in the World War II Californian camps, which inspired him to enter politics. Ogawa spent his career advocating for the rights of those with the wrong melanin tint, who often found themselves at the wrong end of the government's short stick.
In the spirit of exploration, here's a slight rough guide, as it were, to some of our favorite downtown Oakland haunts. There's much more exploring to be done, however.
BEST COCKTAILS FOR (LATE) BREAKFAST
First pop into De Lauer's Newsstand at 1310 Broadway, in operation since 1906, and grab yourself a newspaper from somewhere around the world or a cheesy sci-fi novel. Turn left onto 13th Street and wander into Radio Bar. Yes, we admit it: Radio's one of those trendy “red bars” that sprouted funguslike a few years ago. Having said that, you can still sidle up to the bar and enjoy the afternoon. Radio's a bit like a late-’70s or early-’80s noir bar from LA's imagined China- or Japantown, when X and the Blasters were busy. Hanging red paper globe lights, endemic gloom, a shiny bar, and a nice hint of chrome. The point of going during the day is (a) decadence and (b) trying to spot Tribune reporters on a bender. There is a nice contrast between the regular clientele (hipster, slacker, etc.) and the Dockers brigade. You could go at night and be all hip and trendy and listen to the fine music, but hey, that's easy. Starting your day with a cocktail — now that's respectable.
435 13th St., Oakl. (510) 451-2889
BEST PHO IN OAKTOWN
Situated on a short, tree-shaded block of 17th Street about a block and a half from Broadway, Pho 84 is tasty, generous treat. It's fronted by two huge plate glass windows, one emblazoned with Pho 84's map of Vietnam logo. Wander inside while your mouth waters and stomach growls. Take in the wall-length mural of golden rice growers in rural Vietnam and admire the heaping saffron rice dishes, imperial rolls, crispy prawns, and fine, fine salads. And did we mention the pho? Giant steaming bowls of meat or chicken soup topped with cilantro and onion — yum! The price is right and the staff is friendly and helpful. Order a couple of “33” beers and dig in.
354 17th St., Oakl. (510) 832-1338
BEST DAMN DOWNTOWN LAKE
Nothing in the Bay Area is anything like it. Lake Merritt is a gem — a saltwater lagoon containing the first ever national wildlife refuge, it boasts a surrounding skyline reminiscent of a micro Chicago, a columned temple entrance to the Grand Lake–Lakeshore district, cloud reflections, and views of the Oakland hills to the east and wide-screen movie sunsets to the west. At night a necklace of lights encircles the lake, giving a romantic ambience to a city few associate with the term. During Pride month all the lights are pink! What's more fabulous than that? Every step gives you a view across blue water where cormorants, pelicans, and a host of other avian denizens flap, fly, and skitter. Sadly, if you want to gondolier a romantic night away on the lake, you've missed the boat, but you can still rent paddleboats, rowboats, and kayaks from the Boating and Marine Sports Program (510-238-2196) for dirt-cheap rates.
www.oaklandnet.com/parks/parks/lakemerritt.asp
BEST TROUBLEMAKERS ON THE DIAL
Lisa Rudman and Justin Beck of the National Radio Project (NRP, not NPR) have been offering an alternative radio vision for several years. The two balance each other well; Rudman is a buzzing Tasmanian devil of energy, whereas Beck is cool but fizzing with controlled energy. NRP offers half-hour radio stories on topics like California's troubled youth prison system, the Army's underhanded attempts to recruit young people (and the counter-recruitment efforts of progressive groups), and queer youth experiences dealing with foster care, abuse, and disability. But what's really great about NRP are its efforts to induct young people of color and harsh economic backgrounds into the wonders of broadcasting (NRP also operates as a skills training program) and teach them how to raise their voices.
1904 Franklin, Ste. 415, Oakl. 1-800-529-5736, www.radioproject.org
BEST OVERSTUFFED BAR INTERIOR
Located where Telegraph peels off Broadway, Cafe Van Kleef at night is an oasis of noise, fun, smoke, and music on a very quiet, dark block. It looks more like the entrance to a fun house than to a bar. Push in through the narrow door, sidle past the wide variety of patrons, and sit yourself down. Voilà: high ceilings, dolls, mannequins with a Dada heritage, and a bartender who swears he will make a new drink up just for you. One night it may feature an old-school jazz band, another a Coltrane blues attempt. The clientele is an entertaining mixture of hipsters and oldsters, office workers and first dates. Best of all, Van Kleef is frequented by a wide cross section of ethnicities, as befits Oakland, one of the more mixed melting pots of the Bay Area.
1621 Telegraph, Oakl. (510) 763-7711
BEST PLACE TO PEAK ON HALLUCINOGENS JUST BEFORE THE SHOW STARTS
A mention of the Paramount Theatre is de rigueur in any guide to Oakland. Not only has it featured classic movies and regular appearances by such luminaries as Elvis Costello, Tom Waits, and (soon) Al Green, but the building itself is a wonder. The huge neon marquee is but a modest introduction to what goes on inside. Seldom has deco got so completely out of control. Gold leaf, plush red velvet, and chartreuse paint are deployed to such a rhapsodic degree that one wonders, flashback or reality? Art queens swoon, design heads die of pleasure, and the rest of the world just goes, "Oooh! Pretty!" A word to the wise, however — if you're going to see a show, you really should pay for the center seats on the ground floor so you can actually hear the music. Otherwise the sound is invariably muddy and you'll be pissed.
2025 Broadway, Oakl. (510) 465-6400, www.paramounttheatre.com
It's the end of the day, and like so many other noble laborers in the city, I'm sipping an icy cold Sierra on the back deck of Dago Mary's Restaurant. From here it's possible to see the sunset reflecting off the faces of distant downtown buildings and miles of opaque, indescribably blue ocean and sky that look so pure I feel like I've died and gone home to down east Maine.
Except that I'm about 100 yards from a Superfund site. Dago Mary's is perched between the city's 1,400 Bayview acres slated for redevelopment and the Navy's cleanup operations on Parcel B, one of six Hunters Point Naval Shipyard sites that will also go municipal someday. From here, there's a bird's-eye view of the mounds of "clean" and "dirty" earth — the old adage "a little dirt never hurt" comes to mind as dust swirls in the evening breeze and little particles land in my beer foam.
Around here a little dirt has hurt a lot. But after years of ground, water, and air pollution, the buffer zone of industry that once separated San Francisco’s poorest neighborhood from the rest of the city has finally broken down. The oldest, dirtiest Pacific Gas and Electric Co. power plant canned its smoking habit this year; the Navy's been down on its hands and knees wiping up the Hazmat concoction it spilled all over Hunters Point; all the nasty beige and matte gray that decorated the southeastern shore are totally out — this season's going with blues and greens. (For this, all of San Francisco has a neighborhood of ferocious, relentless resident-cum-activist advocates for environmental justice to thank.)
And step aside, folks, here comes the Third Street Light Rail, delivering downtown dilettantes to a new era of development in Dogpatch, the Basins, Bayview, Hunters Point, and Visitacion Valley. When the train gets rolling this winter, the delightful denizens of boutiques and condos will climb aboard to perhaps watch the residents and businesses of the original hood disappear. Let's hope the little jewels below will continue to shine through the changes.
BEST PLACE TO VIEW ENCROACHING REDEVELOPMENT
Located just past the shipyard gate on Innes, Dago Mary's was the Petty Officers’ Club during the Navy's stint on the Point, and its spacious interior retains a militaristic blend of elegance and utilitarianism. When the Navy heaved up anchor in the ’70s, the restaurant and bar returned to civilian occupation, and it's named for the original owner, Mary Ghiozo, the dame of the house in the ’30s and ’40s, when it was the little-known hot spot for downtown politicians to tuck away a quiet meal. The building, with its period architecture scavenged from the Flood Mansion after the latter’s 1906 fire, is now in city hands. The manager, Rick Bruno, hopes he'll be able to continue serving no-frills Italian fare, pouring drafts, and enjoying the view as the planned redevelopment moves forward. We do too — his draft beer is so cold it makes your throat hurt.
Bldg. 916, Donahue, SF. (415) 822-2633
BEST SUGARBOMB
Her son prefers the peach cobbler, but the banana pudding tastes just like Mom's. Sister Sonya's little card table is the best sidewalk sugar stop in the southeast. Sometimes she's out there, tucked into the shade of her car with a baby on her lap and her little boy playing in her habit while she tries to make change from her purse. And sometimes just when you're getting a hankering for cobbler, she's nowhere to be found. Nilla Wafers have always been suspect in my book, but Sister Sonya's convinced me — they belong with banana pudding and whipped cream.
Third St. between Revere and Shafter, SF
BEST TRASH TO TREASURE
One of the last of four dirt roads left in San Francisco is off Innes just south of India Basin Shoreline Park and leads to an abandoned car lot owned by the SF Public Utilities Commission. Out on a toot through the hood a couple years back, newly elected mayor Gavin Newsom noticed the eyesore and had the commission haul off the cars. The Box Shop, a community of 60 artists who rent space next door, took a shine to the spot, and one of its members, Jen Alexander, is calling it the Bayview Art Patch. For two years she's been mulching and weeding, slowly improving the soil quality of the plot, and with help from the local community she's hoping to create a healthy space where people can come learn about their environment. Materials for the infrastructure of the sculpture garden will be found "just by looking around and seeing what's there," she says. "You can get by with very little if you work creatively, and that's inspiring for everyone."
Off Innes, SF. (415) 252-8300, www.organic-arts.org/artpatch
BEST SECRET SPRING
First Charlie told me Chicken John bought the Albion Castle when it went to auction last year. Then I heard a cult of artists was still squatting there, playing chicken in the underground moats. In actuality, a mortgage banker from Napa named Kathleen Smith wasn't chicken and dropped $2.1 million for this historic landmark. The 120-year-old building is said to be sitting on 200 feet of underground caverns that were hand carved by Alcatraz escapees using only the silver spoons they found upstairs in the kitchen. The fact of the matter is, the only protected natural spring in San Francisco is so close to Hunters Point that it's the reason we can say "Superfund" around here and mean it. The Castle was a brewery until prohibition and later, in cahoots with Guardian staff, secretly bottled water for the Mountain Spring and Water Company to undermine PG&E's sadistic control of the Hetch Hetchy dam. The word on the street is that the new owner is planning to revive both industries and the bottled water will be called Bruce Brugmann's Lifeblood. They'll also be carrying Tim Redmond Pale Ale.
881 Innes, SF. www.albioncastle.us
BEST NO-BRAINER
The world could use a little more common sense when it comes to the simple stuff, such as how to cut your electric bill in half. With funding from environmental grants, the San Francisco Community Power Co-op purchases energy-efficient motion sensor lightbulbs, heaters, and refrigerators to install in homes and businesses at no cost to the owners. Locals are employed for the work, and since 2000 it's become a training ground from which nearby residents move on to permanent, skilled positions. Founder Steven Moss and his crew of three still tackle basic community needs. The co-op most recently partnered with the Good Neighbor Project to bring healthier produce into marketless neighborhoods, bargaining with local liquor stores to carry fresh fruits and vegetables in exchange for brand-new low-energy refrigerators that slash some serious digits off PG&E bills.
2325 Third St., Ste. 344, SF. (415) 626-8723, www.sfpower.org
BEST HARBINGER OF THE FUTURE
Once upon a time there was a cove thick with the calls of long-legged waders from the curlew family colloquially known as "candlestick birds." They were roughly the size of a chicken, and they were coveted for their delectable meat and hunted to near extinction in the ’50s. Like the people who will one day recall the good ole Bayview days, the birds no longer nest here, driven away by the appetites of their neighbors and those crazy right-field fly balls. While the city continues to debate about whether to convert the old ballpark into a mall for the nearby high-rise condo owners or even a gargantuan complex for the Olympics, residents can still enjoy the Candlestick Point State Recreation Area surrounding the grounds. May we suggest leaving the malls to Emeryville and ripping up the pavement for an even more impressive public park already known for the things the birds once loved — fishing and riding waves?
Near the 3Com Park exit ramp of Highway 101, SF. www.parks.ca.gov
By Cheryl Eddy
Cow Hollow — the very mention of it strikes fear into the hearts of San Francisco weirdos. Why would any self-loathing, tattooed, black-wearing, stock-market-ignorant type creep over Pac Heights and descend into a world clad entirely in Abercrombie, with Gucci (fanny packs) and Chanel (sunglasses) accents? Seriously, how much does a Gucci fanny pack set you back, and if I had one and sold it, how many months of rent-controlled studio living could I cover?
My journey into the heart of prepness began one criminally sunny Saturday; as luck would have it, the annual Union Street Festival just happened to be in full swing. Pretty people were absolutely everywhere, calling each other "brah" (as in, "Where you at, brah?"), spilling out of the neighborhood's many bars, gnawing on garlic fries, and head-bobbing to a cover band intently laying into "Pour Some Sugar on Me." Multiple San Francisco Police Department officers strolled around, looking fairly thrilled at having to work this event instead of, say, having to keep the peace at 16th Street and Mission later that night.
Even a crank like me can see that Union Street itself is quite lovely. It's lined with tidy Victorians, tasteful boutiques, chichi cafés, at least two shops selling crystal figurines, a single-screen movie theater, several spas, and a smattering of chains (Starbucks, bebe, Sephora, and so forth — just in case you happen to forget who's boss).
It must be said, however, that on a day of mad foot-traffic congestion (a fair portion of it liquored up), every store I went into was staffed by genuinely nice salespeople. Keeping in mind this year's Best of the Bay theme, I sought out establishments that pointed me toward the future — be it a future that's kind to animals, planet earth, and human beings, or a future that includes invites to events with swanky dress codes (in my case, this potential future would also necessitate my winning or perhaps swindling a handsome sum of cash). Sure, you don't need to marathon on the 22 Fillmore to pick up a girlie birthday present or try on multiple party frocks. But if you wanna do all that in one trip — on a single street, even — the gleaming blocks of Union ain't a bad place to start.
BEST ALMOST-EDIBLE BATH GOODIES
Founded by a pair of self-described "body chefs," Sumbody features piles of intoxicating, handmade, all-natural bath products. A far cry from the overly fragranced, garishly colored bath gels that line the shelves of a certain shopping-mall staple, Sumbody's products are chemical- and preservative-free. With outposts in Sebastopol, Santa Barbara, Alameda, and San Diego (and, of course, San Francisco), this truly California shop uses ingredients like avocado (for moisturizing), cinnamon (an astringent), and passionflower (good on blemishes — who knew?). And it's not just a crunchy medicine chest; the store also carries cute gift ideas like Sumfizzers, hockey puck–shaped bath bombs designed to "fizz your cares away," in yummy scents like the tropical "Get Lei'd." Also fun are the bonbon-shaped salt scrubbers, piled like foil-wrapped candy in the front of the store. Their all-natural ingredients may render them edible, but they don't taste anything like the real thing, the sales clerk assured me — before adding a free, single-serving dose of face mask to my purchases.
2167 Union, SF. (415) 775-6343, www.sumbody.com
BEST SEA OF FOXY LINGERIE
Tucked into a small room, off the street and down a shady path, awaits Carol Doda's Champagne and Lace Boutique. Unfortunately, the tranquil effect was somewhat compromised by the store's proximity to some kind of raucous watering hole, but the welcoming presence of uninhibited San Francisco legend Doda made the audible bro-down bearable. Bustiers, glamorously beribboned underpinnings, and even simply sexy black undies jam the walls and racks. Sure, you could shop with the masses in Union Square at Victoria's Secret, but Doda's spot on Union Street feels like a juicy secret worth sharing.
1850 Union, SF. (415) 776-6900
BEST SUPPORTIVE YOGA TOGS
Yoga’s not so much my thing. But the fun colors and sheer astonishing array of styles — the tops (over a dozen types that I could count) are arranged on the wall by increasing amount of boob support, a nice touch for body-conscious gals — at Lululemon Athletica might make me change my tune. At any rate, you could suit up in their sweat-friendly clothes (if fabric prone to "wicking" means anything to you, you'll find it in spades here) for just about any kind of workout you could dream up. Founded in Vancouver, and with dozens of stores worldwide (the Union Street shop is the only San Francisco location), the company values health as a way of life; just check out the pro-bike and public transportation propaganda scattered throughout the store. Can't argue with that!
1981 Union, SF. (415) 776-LULU, www.lululemon.com
BEST SEA OF SPARKLING BAUBLES
You need a gift, like, yesterday for that one friend whose love of shiny bling has earned her the nickname "the Crow." You know the one! Look no further than Jest Jewels, which is stuffed to the brim with earrings, hair clips, handbags, necklaces, bracelets, pashminas, those gauzy tops with the sparkles sewn around the neck, and baubles bedecked with motifs as varied as skulls and Barbie. Jest Jewels also has stores in Berkeley and the Embarcadero Center, as well as a hugely well-stocked Web site with an "As seen in ..." page for glossy-mag addicts.
1869 Union, SF. (415) 563-8839, www.jestjewels.com
BEST PWESENTS FOR MOMMY'S WIDDLE FOUR-LEGGED PWECIOUS
Every dog has his day — and maybe on that day, he might want to sample a doggie doughnut, a doggie carob brownie, a doggie latte-flavored cookie, or perhaps a full-on doggie birthday cake. Dude, he packs seven years into every single human year — Mr. Sparky deserves a li'l something special. At Bella and Daisy's: A Dog Bakery and Boutique, canine sweet dreams can be realized, as can the needs of fashionable woofers who wanna sport wee tuxedos, mesh Von Dutch onesies, and sassy message tees ("Punk Rock Rules!").
1750 Union, SF. (415) 440-7007, www.bellaanddaisys.com
BEST ATTRACTIVELY TATTOOED BOUTIQUE STAFF
Who doesn't love Ambiance? The stores in the Haight and Noe Valley can feel a bit cozy, so jammed are they with pretty tops, shoes, accessories, jackets, and dresses galore. Add in the eager, fashionable clientele, and the aisles can be a tight squeeze. I didn't take any scientific measurements, but I'd wager the Union Street outposts of Ambiance are maybe the airiest. You know what that means: more dresses! And at a full range of prices! What's more, perennial BOB fave Ambiance has probably the friendliest (and most attractively tattooed, a rarity in Cow Hollow) sales staff in San Francisco — those TV ads about how they really like you are truly genuine.
1864 and 1858 Union, SF, (415) 923-9797, (415) 923-9796, www.ambiancesf.com
At night and on weekends, the sidewalks along Valencia Street from 16th to 24th are packed with foodies, barhoppers, and shoppers who've come to the neighborhood for the abundance of their hearts' desires. The attraction of the Mission continues to grow, as do the options for entertainment. In less than two years, Valencia has seen an influx of new destination restaurants like Límon and Bar Tartine on the 16th Street end; Dosa, Garçon, and Senses huddling around 24th Street; and Range and Osha Thai filling in the middle. Soon places like the appliance shop and janitorial supply store will likely make way for more art galleries, designer clothing boutiques, or even more bars and restaurants. Already one gas station on the street has been replaced by a more-profitable parking lot.
Where is all this leading? Could the Valencia corridor continue to develop in this way until it becomes a pure retail and entertainment nexus — a sort of organically created Santana Row in the middle of the Mission?
Imagine it: The stoplights are replaced with Stop signs at most intersections. A grassy median is installed on which artists could sell paintings and mariachi bands could play (instead of in your ear inside restaurants). Valencia Street would turn into a nonrambling version of Barcelona's las Ramblas (appropriate, as there's already a restaurant with that name on the street). The antichain zoning laws would allow even more homegrown, internationally themed restaurants and shops while keeping out the mall stores, and the Valencia corridor could become a gastronomic, shopaholic, and alcoholic wonderland. That sounds kind of nice.
Of course, it could also go horribly awry. The street’s new upscale restaurants are already unaffordable to many who live in the apartments upstairs from them. Sometimes the crowd on Valencia Street resembles the one on Union Street or Columbus Avenue. People show up hungry and leave drunk. It's not rare to hear that 2 a.m. party "Whoo" shouted from a gaggle of wasted girls stumbling out of a packed bar, or to see guys duck around a corner to puke in an alley. And if too many people stop being afraid of this "edgy" neighborhood, might the double-decker tour buses stop by the Elbo Room after Mission Dolores? Hi, Grandma!
For now the Valencia corridor is still a mix of old neighborhood and new energy. It's a place where you can buy a $4 burrito or a $400 meal, a nickel bag of weed or a silver carryall from the Hideo Wakamatsu store; a place where you can live in a fleabag apartment or a fancy condo. Whatever the future holds, in 2006 the Valencia corridor is a vibrant, diverse, and pretty damn fun place to hang (but watch out for vomit).
BEST DOUBLE-FACED RESTAURANT
Though it's a little unusual for a restaurant to have two locations just around the corner from one another, it's even stranger when those locations have completely different looks and open hours — but still serve the same food from the same kitchen. The 16th Street outlet of Sunflower Restaurant seats 20 people at tables squished into a tiny, brightly lit room. Neighborhood regulars are constantly squeezing between tables to pick up take-out orders that are ready so fast you may as well call from outside the door. The other face of Sunflower, on Valencia Street (the two venues connect to the kitchen in the middle, making a V around the check cashing place on the corner), seats double the people in a lot more space. The mood is different too: The lighting is lower, it's quieter, and there’s art on the walls (and the room closes between lunch and dinner). The Vietnamese food, however, is the same: great big tasty servings of rice, noodle, and soup dishes at cheap prices. You'll get a good meal no matter which way you're facing.
506 Valencia, SF. (415) 626-5023. 3111 16th St., SF. (415) 626-5022
BEST ALTERNATIVE TO SMALL-PLATE DINING
Portions, slices, and sides aren't very good words to describe the quantities of food on your plate at Valencia Pizza and Pasta. Heaps, slabs, and gobs would be far more appropriate. For the price of a single tapa elsewhere on the street, you can get a green salad, a basket of garlic bread (plus refills), a giant block of lasagna, and a mound of steamed broccoli, carrots, and zucchini here. (And a bottle of beer will set you back a whopping two bucks.) Since a single entrée is way too much food to actually eat in one sitting, you'll probably pack a second meal in your to-go container. How's that for a bargain? The place is far more functional than fashionable, and the food is more homey (simple Italian meals and sandwiches) than exotic. But that's also the draw. The restaurant seats only about 30 people, so the queue can get quite long. Use the time constructively to work up a big appetite.
801 Valencia, SF. (415) 642-1882
BEST RESTAURANT FOR DRUNKS WHO HATE GREEN VEGETABLES
Aside from the lettuce in the three salads on the dinner menu, there are few other green vegetables at the Phoenix Irish Pub and Gathering House. Most appetizers and entrée sides are potatoes in various forms (often mashed with root veggies) or other vegetables deep fried or smothered in cheese. The platter of Irish potato nachos (potato skins heaped with beans, cheese, guacamole, and sour cream) will feed a small family or cure a large hangover. The heavy entrées include pot roast, meatloaf, bangers and mash, and shepherd's pie. The light entrées include — well, there are no light entrées. Luckily, you can wash all that hearty food down with a nice light Guinness (or one of the other 16 beers on tap) while watching the (soccer) game on any of the strategically placed but unobtrusive TVs. The only thing missing is the after-dinner nap couch.
811 Valencia, SF. (415) 695-1811, www.phoenixirishbar.com
BEST PLACE TO BUY DRAGON'S BLOOD AND SNAKEROOT
In movies like The Craft and Teen Witch, someone always wanders into a little shop that turns out to be a witches' supply store. Scarlet Sage Herb Company looks just like that. One gets the impression that the creative ceramics and books like Homeopathic Care for Cats and Dogs in the window display are decoys to conceal the store's true purpose. Dozens of tarot card decks and crystals greet visitors in the shop's front section, beyond which are shelves filled with natural beauty supplies. The right half of the room has hundreds of tiny, ominous-looking vials of tinctures, flower essences, and homeopathic medicines. The opposite wall is stacked floor to ceiling with large clear glass jars filled with dried goods, including ground roots, Chinese herbs, and some organic teas. Some of these are labeled with witchy-sounding names like dragon's blood and snakeroot, and it's all very mysterious if you're clueless. Though people familiar with homeopathy probably view Scarlet Sage as a well-stocked supply store, it's just more fun to assume that behind the curtained-off section in the back you can find the crystal ball and eye of newt.
1173 Valencia, SF. (415) 821-0997, www.scarletsageherb.com
BEST REASON TO SHOW UP HALF AN HOUR BEFORE YOUR RESERVATION
Though the food at this restaurant earns consistently fantastic reviews, we think it's time to give the drinks at Range their own special due. Each evening, Range features one specialty off-menu cocktail, which is often centered on muddled fruits that are in season for about two weeks a year; the bartenders like to keep things interesting. The on-menu drinks rotate at a slower pace and often include inventive uses for bitters, liqueurs, wines, and traditional spirits. (Many ingredients may be unfamiliar to the non-cocktailoscenti, so you may not have much of an idea of what you're ordering off the menu unless you ask.) With most drinks costing between nine and ten dollars, Range’s specialty concoctions are less expensive than the average drink in a restaurant with food this good. There is, however, one major problem with stopping by Range for a drink: There are too few seats at the bar — and they don't allow cocktail takeout.
842 Valencia, SF. (415) 282-8283, www.rangesf.com
