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| 2006 Best Of The Bay: A Vision Of The Future | ||||||||||||
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| lllustration by Mona Caron |
Union Square is getting younger, and I'm not just talking about the $25 million face-lift it got in 2002. The neighborhood's long been home to "ageless" uppity temples like Hermès, Bulgari, and Tiffany and Co., but 2006 saw a teen transfusion (the industry prefers the term "fast fashion makeover") with the move-in of powerhouse trendmongers H&M and Zara, where — at press time at least — you could fulfill your suddenly urgent need for leggings.
Other new kids on the block: the pink-robed lab babes hawking pricey naughties amid spike-heel-filled cabinets of wonders at Agent Provocateur. The 22,000 square feet of books at Cody's. And the self-trumpeting sweats and chunky-style bags of Juicy Couture are coming to the company's first flagship store — yep, right here in Union Square — later this year.
Even the San Francisco Centre, for years more malaise than mall — anchored by the dowdy kitsch of its brass-trimmed, piano-accompanied Nordstrom — is decamping and revamping, with new owner Westfield opening an expanded shopping center this fall. The anchor tenant: retail icon Bloomingdale’s.
You can bet your sweet Bloomie's that the brand-name bonanza will do great things for the city's "retail heart." But what about its retail soul? The past year's much ado about leggings hides a less glamorous truth.
In June 2006, Albertsons closed 37 stores in Northern California, while Kroger is in the process of closing several Cala and Bell markets, citing as one of its reasons competition from Wal-Mart. In Hercules officials had to cite eminent domain to block Wal-Mart from moving in despite a city ordinance prohibiting big-box stores in the neighborhood where the retail titan had bought land — the first time a government has tried the tactic to keep a big box out, and the megalomart threatened to contest the action in court.
In July the original Cody's Books, on Telegraph Avenue in Berkeley, closed its doors. Getting bombed after hosting a reading by Salman Rushdie in 1989 couldn't fell this institution, but, owner Andy Ross said, the encroachment of chain stores did. Last November, San Francisco supervisors approved the city's first Home Depot after almost a decade of opposition. The 107,000-square-foot store was part of an agreement to "scale down" from the original design of 140,000 square feet, and it won out after Sup. Sophie Maxwell argued that it would bring employment to a work-deprived area of the city — never mind that the company has a history that ranges from mistreating day laborers who gather outside to paying its executives hugely inflated salaries, from facing a battery of race and gender discrimination charges to enjoying close ties with the Bush administration.
Meanwhile, far from the fadding crowds and the ever-bigger boxes, genuine, independently owned, and even charming shops fight for existence. It's interesting that despite predictions to the contrary, the increased availability of products and services via the Web has faded as the biggest threat to mom-and-pop shops — if anything the Web has provided the more savvy among them more opportunity to expand their offerings and sales. Ironic, then, that the biggest small-business danger is not virtual distribution but actual real-time, real-space megastore franchises. Virtual competition has been trumped by actual competition, and the fight over profits is still mano a mano, not mano a mouse. The murderous box isn't a monitor, it's a chain. But until we check out to that Starbucks in the sky, there's a wealth of little shopping heavens here on earth to frequent.
There's Bell'Occhio, on tiny Brady Street just off Market and Gough, with candles from Parisian confectioner Laduree that smell just like fresh brioche, terra-cotta urns scented with pomegranate oil from the ancient Florentine pharmacy in Santa Maria Novella, and a paper candy box shaped like a chef's toque.
There's Goodbyes Consignment in Laurel Village, where you can find pristine in-fashion designer togs for men and women (especially during the twice-yearly sales in January and July) — and Worn Out West in the Castro for your used Brokeback Mountain attire, ball gag, and cop-kitsch shopping needs.
There's Sinopia Pigments at 22nd Street and Guerrero, where you can buy raw materials to mix your own inks and paints. There's la Kasbah on Polk, where you can pick up a tagine dish or an entire Moroccan tent.
There's Haight Street Market, a friendly family-owned grocery selling fair trade goods, organic meats, squeezed-to-order juice, and a fantastic variety of Greek products such as Lykovouno olive oil. There are the Bargain Banks on Clement and Polk (plus the warehouse in Potrero), where if a restaurant has just liquidated, you might score a coveted wine for a fraction of the price (past finds have included Veuve la Grand Dame and Opus One) — or you might walk out with a 50 ¢ package of tube socks.
There's the Cake Gallery on Folsom and Ninth Street, where you can spice up a birthday party by ordering a sheet cake airbrushed with XXX-plicit designs (the "bouquet of cocks" is a favorite) or in the shape of a body part (try the woman's torso with a cherry where the cherry should be).
While Wal-Mart may be quickly filling its shelves with more organic products and Home Depot slowly responding to cries to stock more environmentally friendly products, you're never going to see a bouquet of cocks in a big box. (Although Good Vibrations just expanded its business plan and looks like it's angling to go public someday — stock ticker: DLDO?) And that's the way it should be.
Editor's Picks
BEST POST-IDENTITY CRUELTY-FREE OUTPOST
“That vegan store,” Otsu, which opened its 16th Street doors three and a half years ago, has moved to a new Valencia location, taken off the leatherless belts and boots to focus on publishing paper goods, and become — ta-da — Little Otsu. "We're post-identity at this point," jokes Jeremy, one of the owners. He and his business partner, Yvonne, are still vegan, and no animals are harmed in the production of their wares, though mammalian and avian visages are often integrated into the designs on their address books, journals, and note cards. The new space, with simple displays, light colors, and sleek lines, reflects the independent aesthetic of these two designers. Tucked among the stationery, PETAs can still find vegan cookbooks and pamphlet guides to the best local raw and soy dining, but Little Otsu wants to be known not only for its politics but for its chic wallets, T-shirts, and wrapping paper as well.
849 Valencia, SF. (415) 255-7900, www.littleotsu.com
You may not be ropin' any steer or breakin' any broncos, but you can still play urban cowboy better than John Travolta. Idol Vintage affords San Franciscans the opportunity to saddle up their feet, without losing the farm. Located inside a blue shack with a glittery silver sign and two killer window displays, the 16th Street hipster sanctum has been servicing the vintage kitsch niche for a while now, but did you know about its incredible selection of used cowboy (and cowgal) footwear? Prices range from $20 to $75, sizes are varied, and the styles — whoa, doggy — the styles are unbelievable. From your basic pointy-toed black to metallic gold, pony-painted to alligator-skinned, Idol Vintage has all you need for some serious inner-city roundups. Make sure to take a gander at the clotheslines overhead before you scour the lower racks for western shirts, ruffled knickers, and leather jackets to go with your new shit kickers. Giddyup!
3162 16th St., SF. (415) 255-9959
Kawaii is Japanese for cute, and Kawaii Corner is a shrine to all things adorable — even if the selection sometimes gets a tad demented in its winsomeness. The store includes an awful lot of Hello Kitty and Sesame Street stuff but also overflows with yummier Japanese pop-culture detritus. You can buy millions of little stickers showing kittens grooming each other or pieces of burnt toast making friends with muffins. And there's tons of notepaper with awesome slogans like "I'd like to deliver this joy." All corporate memos should be written on that notepaper from now on. You didn't know you needed a micropackage of instant noodles for a hamster (with teeny chopsticks!), but you really do. The store also has weird, kinky office-politics mugs that picture the "office bimbo" with her bra straps and garter belt showing or a dominatrix-esque office boss. Plus there are boxing frogs, heart stickers, tire-headed dogs ... If this store doesn't melt your anime-size eyeballs, you have no heart.
5406 Geary, SF. (415) 666-3826, www.kawaiicorner.com
Surely the most eclectic head shop on Polk Street (now that's an accomplishment!), Sardar's Hi-Times features the standard assortment of neon bongs and wacky rock T-shirts, plus those wacky barbarian figurines that many shops have. But it also has a big selection of fetishwear, lingerie, slutty footwear, and iron-on patches, ranging from little-known superheroes to seldom-heard slogans. Ninjas pore over the wealth of "ninja accessories," and skinheads praise the bomber jacket selection. But wait: There's also a decent assortment of windup Victrolas, jewelry, obscene statues, and Doc Martens. The store's been in the same location for 30 years and has achieved its beautiful randomness by stocking whatever anyone has ever asked for. And the staff is addicted to haggling: If you look at an item for more than 10 seconds, they'll start knocking down the price. Whenever someone asks you, "Where can I find ...," the answer is almost always "Duuuude — Sardar's." You could dress yourself and furnish your home entirely in Sardar's-gotten gain, and your friends would probably worship you.
1108 Polk, SF. (415) 775-8365
BEST SHORTCUT TO ARTISTIC IMMORTALITY
There's a helluva lot of pressure on today's hipster to be artistically relevant. Unfortunately, the ability to dye one's hair black and scowl does not necessarily translate to greater creative aptitude. (Although, oddly, the ability to slice a pickled shark into sections with a diamond-studded chain saw and entomb them in two tons of molded Vaseline just might.) How ’bout a gimme? Even if your past attempts to wield a Crayola have failed miserably, you can still produce moody, unique, and aesthetically pleasing images on a Holga medium-format camera. And Photographer's Supply has everything the aspiring Serrano needs to get started: the Holga, the film, the processing, and the good-natured employees (gasp!), who happily answer all your questions even though you're only buying a $20 camera. Extra points for the SoMa locale: A few steps out the door you'll find plenty to shoot that'll leave even your most jaded Academy of Art cohorts drooling with envy.
436 Bryant, SF. (415) 495-8640, www.photosupply.com
BEST PROJECT RUNWAY: HOME EDITION
Tragically, the Bravo reality show and Heidi Klum vehicle Project Runway may never be popular enough to spawn a board game (paging Milton Bradley to the nearest white courtesy telephone). But you can still get a taste of televisual fabulousness with a little help from Discount Fabrics. Simply grab a couple friends, set a kitchen timer for 30 minutes, and race through the innumerable bolts of cotton, linen, polyester, vinyl, fleece, and chiffon that dominate the warehouse-size SoMa space — some of which are priced at a very budget-compliant 99¢ a yard. (Score that, Santino!) Choose your fabrics wisely, design with an eye toward impressing perennial curmudgeon Michael Kors, psyche out the competition — and whatever you do, avoid the "Auf Wiedersehen."
525 Fourth St., SF. (415) 495-4201, www.discountfabrics-sf.com
BEST INTERNET-DEFYING SUPER NEWSSTAND
In this age of instant electronic gratification, De Lauer's Super Newsstand is a staggering testimonial to the power of print. Far and away the biggest (and probably best) newsstand left in Northern California, De Lauer's stocks thousands of magazines catering to every conceivable interest and avocation. You won't just find your favorite magazine here; you'll find dozens just like it. Tree huggers and RV freaks, unabashed capitalists and rabid Communists, fashion victims and gun fags will all find multiple magazines to wet their fingers over, if not entire sections targeted directly at their fancies. While the Internet has cut down on the "Your Hometown Newspaper" business, De Lauer's continues to stock virtually every local paper, plus an enviable selection of out-of-town papers that goes far beyond the usual NY-LA-DC troika. (Want the haps in Nebraska? This is your place.) Only the illiterate could leave De Lauer's empty-handed.
1310 Broadway, Oakl. (510) 451-6157
Don't kick yourself for not starting soon enough — get the tots learning their ñ's and rolling their rr's early. Part warehouse, part Romper Room, Mariuccia Iaconi Book Imports in Potrero Hill lures adults and little ones with a brightly colored retail space perfect for browsing. Pass through a giant kiddie-safe door shaped like a whimsical whale and enter a wondrous family-owned store specializing in Spanish, English, and bilingual children's books. The friendly shop pooch, Maisy, might be napping in one of the beanbag chairs, but patrons can settle into another and page through the offerings. For adults working on improving their Spanish reading skills, the intermediate-level fare makes an excellent bridge to more difficult material. Bring in the wee ones for the weekly story time, or ask the staff for a recommendation. After 50-plus years in business, they know what they're talking (and reading) about.
970 Tennessee, SF. (415) 821-1216, www.mibibook.com
BEST KISS MY COMICS ASS, I'M MOVING
It's a familiar Mission District tale: Ratty, rundown, beloved vestige of the old hood gets its rent jacked. Pissed-off patrons sigh and gripe wistfully about the days before the bubble. Beloved vestige has a going-out-of-business sale. But in the case of Al's Comics — until recently a hole-in-the-wall on Guerrero, tucked away between the whine of the tattoo needle (Sacred Rose) and the hiss of the espresso machine (Cafe Petra) — things may have worked out all right. After a rental-market roller-coaster ride, proprietor Al Kizziah has settled into a nice, roomy spot on the newly hopping stretch of Upper Market across from the Octavia Boulevard crawl, in good company alongside hipster spots like National Product and Grooves. More square footage means more elbow room to peruse Al's expansive inventory of comics, graphic novels, posters, T-shirts, and collectible goodies, and there’s even enough room to hold the occasional author event. Voilà: a Mission tale with a happy ending.
1803 Market, SF. (415) 861-1220, www.alscomicssf.com
Marked only by a sign that says "Records" with a rusty tuba hanging from it, the North Beach branch of 101 Music is the holy grail of vinyl geekdom, playing host to an audiophile’s wet dream menagerie. Obsolete recording equipment, nostalgia-inducing phonographs, and turntables aplenty make the shop seem more like Sam Phillips's attic. Squeeze through the hodgepodge of antique instruments toward the back of the store and turn left. You'll see a narrow staircase that appears to lead to an employee-only area. Go down it. Welcome to heaven. With record-filled milk crates stacked five high and rows upon rows of tightly packed LPs, you may never leave. Don't come in looking for anything in particular — although almost every section is labeled "Rock," the nearly 100,000 albums in this little room span pretty much every genre. Best to just flip through. Everything is priced at around $5, and if you’re worried that your turntable won't be able to handle all your new treasures, you’ll be happy to learn that they sell pretty much every kind of needle at the upstairs counter.
1414 Grant, SF. (415) 392-6369
BEST SHOP TO START YOUR OWN NSA
We all fantasize about being the invisible man. How cool would it be to hang around your boss’s office and laugh as he picks his nose, scratches his ass, and surfs foot fetish Web sites? How hot would it be to hole up for the day in the changing room at 24 Hour Fitness or in the bedroom at your sexy neighbor’s house? For most of us, the invisible man fantasy is just a fantasy, but for others it’s an obsession. The experts at the International Spy Shop are of the latter variety. So fierce is their obsession with voyeurism that they’ve spent their adult lives acquiring enough state of the art espionage equipment to keep an eye on the entire city. If spying is your thing, look no further. This shop has it all. Just remember, spying on your boss or neighbor is a serious no-no. These cameras are meant for official business, like uh, making sure your babysitter doesn’t give your kids too much candy before bedtime or something.
555 Beach, SF. (415) 775-4779, www.internetspyshop.com
Helen Keller once said, “Smell is a potent wizard that transports you across thousands of miles and all the years you have lived.” Being that Mrs. Keller only had two of five senses, her opinion may very well have been a little biased, but still, the lady had a point. Smell is widely cited as the most effective and fastest nostalgia trigger. That being the case, the trick to making sure your memories, as well as the memories others have of you, are pleasant lies in your choice of fragrance. You don’t want that guy you dated in your late 20s to remember you every time he smells Doritos or burning hair, for example. Get your smelly ass down to Your Scents in the Western Addition for a scent shape-up and partake of the shop’s enormous supply of incense, soap, and hand-blended body oils. (The collection of pimp shirts, African masks, and C-note embroidered leather parkas isn’t too shabby either.)
645 Divisadero, SF. (415) 931-4227
BEST LIQUOR-TO-OCTOPOID MAKEOVER
In the pursuit of online workplace indulgences, you may have run across Notfoolinganybody.com, a photo journal that chronicles storefront conversions — a Chinese restaurant taken root in a failed Pizza Hut, for example. Our favorite conversion, however, is Octopus’s Garden, an exotic fish retailer in the East Bay that has clearly taken over an old liquor store. As if to overcompensate for this cosmetic hindrance, the exterior has an elaborate sea life mural by Lou Silva (who also did the tropical rainforest mural on the Mitchell Brothers’ O'Farrell Theatre) that features the titular octopus (none of which are offered for sale, as far as we could tell). Regardless of the comedic potential (inebriated octopi — hilarious!), OG knows its stuff when it comes to aquarium supplies and fish care, so if you want a golden puffer (upward of $400) or just some cheapo guppies (10 for $1), now you know where to go. Just try to resist asking for a pack of cigarettes or a lotto ticket when they ring you up.
3039 Shattuck, Berk. (510) 849-4450, www.tog-net.com
If you’re looking to find your sole in the lower Nob, head over to fetish footwear palace Foot Worship. With an inventory that could fill the wardrobe room of a John Waters flick, this boutique specializes in shoes high enough to give you a nosebleed. Featuring every shoe you’d need to dance to AC/DC on the bar of the Transfer, Foot Worship has more than 1,700 pairs of shoes in stock, including thigh-high boots, ruby red stilettos in size 14, and glow-in-the-dark six-inch Lucite heels. As you can imagine, exotic dancers make up a large percentage of the clientele, and drag queens and fetishists fill in most of the rest, but there’s always room for newbies, and the Foot Worshippers are tolerant about letting you teeter around the store until you get the hang of your newfound height. With prices ranging from $29 to 300, there’s a platform of sexy to fit every budget.
1214 Sutter, SF. (415) 921-FOOT
BEST PREPARATION FOR THE COMING VINTAGE CRASH
Frightening as it may be to ponder, it’s possible that at some point we will run out of vintage clothing. Or rather, we’ll have plenty of faux ’50s capri pants from the ’90s and faux ’80s stripy shirts from the ’00s to sift through on the secondhand racks, but (if our readers will excuse the morbid thought) for those seeking to perfect their Clara Bow impersonation or high-femme ’40s look, demographic patterns indicate a future of diminishing returns. And yet, when we walk into vintage boutique la Rosa, our anxieties regarding the future crash and resulting shortage of black taffeta cocktail dresses and drop-waisted floral print frocks are temporarily allayed by the sight of so many gorgeous garments from ages past. Each visit we find ourselves racking our brains for another fake prom, hipster wedding, Oscar soirée, or garden party to attend, in order to rationalize purchases that cannot possibly be rationalized. Lucky for us, the helpful, period-correct proprietors (who display an absence of attitude not always observed among persons of their métier) can be counted on for a tactful opinion.
1711 Haight, SF. (415) 668-3744
The Pickled Hutch has been preserving some of the best artifacts of eras past to be found in the 415 since 2000, and yet only the truly shopping-endowed are aware of its quiet presence in the bosom of Noe Valley. The showrooms are deceptively huge — not just an adequate storefront, but a seemingly endless Pandora's box of rooms and an outdoor patio section. And the Hutch stocks a tremendously inviting inventory, which on one visit included the contents of a Japanese woman's home that had been pristinely stored and undisturbed for 40 years, as well as the most amazing display of vintage plastic bangle bracelets you've ever seen. Add to that list 1920s beaded handbags, Martha-lusty garden furniture, and well, you get the idea ... something for everyone, and a great, affordable place to browse.
1605 Church, SF. (415) 641-8875
Open for more than 30 years, the Sound Well is a true stereophiliac gearhead's paradise. As one of the only stores around specializing in the sale and repair of analog stereo equipment, it fills a niche and does so impeccably. Among the oft-intriguing and older items on offer are speakers, tuners, amps, preamps, receivers, turntables, and equalizers — always sold in working order and frequently offered with a warranty. The employees on hand are stereo veterans, dispensing advice and insight in a friendly, unpretentious, and pointedly clear manner. You needn't be an expert to appreciate the service, provided by folks who can highlight the merits of late-’70s Marantz receivers or apply a delicate hand to your ailing amplifier. Hours are limited to Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays, and appointments.
1718 University, Berk. (510) 549-2126, www.thesoundwell.com
Modern design? Check. Cool colors? Check. And cheap prices? But of course! OK, all references to Fight Club aside, we're completely aware that it doesn't make sense to replace all purchases of overseas-made, sharply designed, hella cheap furniture with similar pieces from another international chain. But here's the difference: Just for variety's sake, when you buy your cheap-ass new furniture from EQ3, your humble abode doesn't have quite the same prefab recognizability it does when you've shopped the big blue-and-yellow box across the bay. No one will walk in and tell you they have the same bedspread, or comment on the Jerker in the corner. Instead, if you're lucky, they’ll marvel at your original good taste and hip urban sensibility.
540 Ninth St., SF. (415) 552-2626, www.eq3.com
BEST SHOPPER-TUNITY FOR CLASSY CRAFTS
Every last Saturday of the month, an intriguing gaggle of local artists and craftspeople gather round the coffee bar at Canvas Gallery, a popular Inner Sunset art café, to sell their wares — and if you're the kind of shopper who craves this kind of "shopper-tunity," then go you must to Feria Urbana (translation Urban Fair). Grandma's macramé planters and Budweiser can hats never check in. In their place are classier handmade items, like stunning going-out clutches made from antique kimono fabric, hand-knit scarves woven from quality merino wool, and cute belts seriously fashioned from cast-off, cool-patterned neckties. Considering the quality and craftsmanship, the prices are entirely reasonable — and sellers are motivated to sell. And while you're there, it just makes sense to stay for an inexpensive, classy brunch of frittatas, foccacia sandwiches, hummus, falafel, or the like.
Canvas Gallery, 1200 Ninth Ave., SF. www.feriaurbana.com
BEST BACKSTOCK OF "BUSH LIED" BOOKS
Six long years of Bush rule has lead to so many lucrative "Bush Lied"–type book contracts for lefty authors that we recently heard this acerbic question from a salesperson at Dog Eared Books when we stopped by for a visit: "What, you haven't written your Bush Lied book yet?" On another occasion, an unwitting customer dropped by with a box of Bush Lied books to sell back and was told, "Sorry man, Bush has told a whole new batch of lies. We can't buy ’em." We just don't always have the time (or the money for hardcover first editions) to keep up with all the nuances of the White House's steady stream of lies. Someday we will pocket a million big ones and publish our own addition to the trend: 13 Ways to Tell a Lie: How Bush Totally Lied, Dude, and How There Are Other Lying Liars in the Bush Lineage. Plus! Laura Lied Too. But luckily Dog Eared's on hand to offer up good-quality used versions to get us through for now. And we may just grab a volume or two of Al Franken's poetry on the way out.
900 Valencia, SF. (415) 282-1901, www.dogearedbooks.com
You really need a giant smiling stuffed mustache. You really need a form-fitting shirt with an argyle cobra coiled across the chest. You really need a huge bar of Star of David lemon-eucalyptus kosher soap. You really need to get down to National Product. An outpost of gratifyingly fetishistic merch in the slowly blossoming mid-Market area, NP carries stuff like Pardon My Hindi girls' tanks, groovy Transjanimals, Those Fucking Unicorns zines, bizarre vintage items, and other trinkets you won't be able to resist. There's also an art gallery in back that has featured some of the SF art scene's best-known names, including Sara Thustra, Sacha Eckes, TxuTxo Perez, and, currently, Brian Behnke. The guy who works the counter is really cute too. (We think he's the owner but we haven't had the guts to approach him, even though he always smiles and says hi to us.)
1845 Market, SF. (415) 255-1920, www.nationalproduct.us
It was only a few years ago that D.O.R.K.S. United (D.O.R.K.S. stands for Dozens of Revolutionary Kids) began as an independent, socially conscious group of T-shirt printers. Tapping into an extensive reservoir of local talented artists and musicians, DU is truly a collective and has expanded operations beyond the Bay, rooting itself in the culture-rich urban centers of Los Angeles, Phoenix, and New York. And while it now has the resources and reputation to throw down hip-hop and rock parties to showcase local music groups, DU still remains devoted to printing the best in unabashedly nerd-proud T-shirts. And the formula remains effective. Printed on sweatshop-free tops provided by American Apparel, the images vary, from the geekdom-inspired (the universally adored square-rimmed glasses) to the politically critical (a gas station with Oil War as its brand name). What makes DU different from other printers is that DU cleverly promotes its T-shirts through live printing events, at which participants can choose the color and design for a unique, custom-made T-shirt. Bring on the dork revolution.
www.dorksunited.com
Local Japanophiles doubled over in ecstasy when Ningyoushi.com opened its new retail store, Double Punch. The North Beach establishment features vinyl toys, plastic toys, impossible-to-find toys, and magazines about toys, and despite its affordable prices, Double Punch has pretty much succeeded in ruining the financial state of your collectible-obsessed friends. Downstairs are all the names you need from Japan and Hong Kong, including Takashi Murakami, Gloomy Bear, and To-Fu. There’s also a fantastic selection of Ugly Dolls, the cuddly little terry-cloth dudes that look like they've been run over by a train and stitched back together by your little sister. Speaking of trains, the upstairs gallery on occasion features model trains, and who doesn't love trains? This is a great place to bring your out-of-town guests, but maybe not on the first day — unless you plan on footing the expenses for the rest of their stay.
1821 Powell, SF. (415) 399-9785, www.doublepunch.com
BEST NIBBLES TO ACCOMPANY FIFI'S LATTE
Grand frosted doughnuts with colored sprinkles; thick, chewy cookies flavored with peanut butter and a thick coat of white icing; small tarts that appear to be chocolaty and rich . . . nope, this isn't Tartine, and while the appearance of these treats may fool us humans into thinking we'd enjoy the flavors, chances are pretty slim you'd like anything offered up at pet mecca Best in Show — unless you're one to crave liver and chicken meal. The place is a Godiva-like chocolatier for canines (and felines and what have you). Of course, traditionalists who don't want to be tempted can stick with the shriveled pig ears and dehydrated "bully sticks" (severed and concentrated bull penises), but your pooch will feel like a kid in a candy store.
300 Sanchez, SF. (415) 863-7387, www.bestinshowsf.com
If you’re ready to depart from the flat-packaged, assemblage-challenging, particleboard hell that has become your apartment's design scheme, put down that translated-from-Swedish catalog and head to Stumasa. Specializing in solid, unfinished furniture that won't fall apart if you rest your coffee mug on it, Stumasa can even build items to order. Bookcases, record shelves, armoires, and coffee tables are all reasonably priced and delivered to your door. If you want friendly Stumasites to finish it for you, just ask. If you can't shake the DIY urge, check out the store’s collection of stains, paints, and acrylics. A much better option than that overdesigned northern European crap everyone else is buying, Stumasa also has an astounding collection of kitschy baby items and gifts. It even offers build-it-yourself pinhole cameras!
515 Frederick, SF. (415) 759-1234, www.stumasa.com
Gwen Stefani taught us once and for all how to spell it; the Fruit Guys have made it their mission to teach us how to appreciate it — the almighty banana. What started as a few crazy dudes with a Honda Civic and a field-fresh connection has grown into the best business model this side of the Rio Grande. In biodegradable crates and cornstarch-based insulation, all of the vitamin C and fiber you need for the day is delivered straight to your office, as often as you'd like. A healthy alternative to the midday latte/energy bar altar most nine-to-fivers worship at, the Fruit Guys remind you why you live in California in the first place. The produce! They hand-select each piece of fruit, most likely picked straight from the field only hours before, and inspect for quality, taste, and ripeness. Each box includes your fructose basics — oranges, apples, bananas — and the best of what's in season. You can also order a completely organic fruit box.
1-877-FRUIT-ME, www.fruitguys.com
BEST EXPLORATORY AURAL RARITIES
"It's just a massive mixtape that we get to make for people every day," says co-owner Andee Connors. "That's what Aquarius Records is." While other music and book purveyors have bowed to online competition, bone-deep microniche merchants like Aquarius have maintained a reputation among exploratory music fans throughout the country. A third of its business is mail-order, but San Franciscans insist on coming in for the homey brick-and-mortar ambience, the renowned board of new releases, and the hyper-knowledgeable staff, which includes I Am Spoonbender's Cup, sound artist Jim Haynes, and KUSF DJ and filmmaker Irwin Swirnoff. Owners Connors (who also runs tUMULt Records) and Allan Horrocks and their staff listen widely, search out obscurities, contact the makers (be they in Finland or Japan), and get the music into the store — even if it's in 30-copy runs of CD-Rs. Those genuine, rarely shared, seldom downloadable slices are what bring the diehard music geeks and hipsters in — and have established the store as the Left Coast version of NYC's influential Other Music, and vice versa. One example of the eclectic, eccentric, and almost-impossible-to-find music available at the shop: the recent record of the week, Igloo by Terje Isungset, who makes instruments entirely of ice for Sweden's Ice Hotel. "We're always looking for the cool, weird stuff,” says Connors. Cool, true.
1055 Valencia, SF. (415) 647-2272, www.aquariusrecords.org
Like the fear of heights or clowns, arachnophobia, herpetophobia, and ophidiophobia are conditions that understandably originate from the primitive body’s desire to avoid harmful things. But realistically speaking, it makes no practical sense anymore to carry that burden of fear around in this modern world (or does it? what's that on your pant leg?), especially when it means shutting yourself off from the fastest growing sector of pet ownership in the Bay Area — creepy crawlies. Why not stroll down to the East Bay Vivarium to take the bull snake by the horns and stare down a scorpion while weighing the options of fur-free companionship? From the exotic albino axolotl to the comfortably familiar box turtle, the Vivarium has been hawking its vast stock of reptiles, amphibians, and arachnids in Berkeley since 1970, and even the squeamish will find the inventory fascinating, while creepy-crawly enthusiasts will find the Madagascar hissing cockroach or Mexican parrot snake of their dreams.
1827C Fifth St., Berk. (510) 841-1400, www.eastbayvivarium.com
BEST BASTION OF PALM-SIZE SELF-EXPRESSION
Recently relocated to bigger and brighter quarters on 16th Street near Guerrero, Needles and Pens (co-owned by Guardian layout designer Andrew Scott) is the premier place in San Francisco to purchase those irascible cauldrons of self-expression: zines. While most stores relegate zines to dusty and disorganized shelves near the bottom of the "Adult Graphix: 18+ Only Kidding" section, at Needles and Pens, they take center stage. Young, nubile, and vigorous zines like Burn Collector and Those Fucking Unicorns are shelved next to old favorites like Cometbus and Murder Can Be Fun on the bright, neatly organized racks. There are bike zines, cookbook zines, goth zines. It's nonvirtual zine-a-rama, kids — come collect the wee, yummy, palm-size funs. Alternative magazines, graphic novels, indie comix, and music books bulk up the fab selection of flimsies, and — a nice touch of synergy — Needles and Pens also carries an intriguing and ever-varying selection of clothing and accessories made by (or at least thrifted and modified by) local artists. All items are guaranteed to be the product of 100 percent "hipster slave labor." Hey — if you read indie, why not dress indie?
3253 16th St., SF. (415) 255-1534, www.needles-pens.com
Quantity and, more important, quality are the hallmarks at Hoogasian Flowers, a family-owned bloom emporium that’s been providing San Franciscans with heart-melting bouquets since the 1920s. Despite the mom-and-pop shop atmosphere of its three city locations, Hoogasian is San Francisco’s largest purveyor of floral arrangements and, as one of 125 certified members of Florist’s Transworld Delivery Association, boasts clients from all around the country. The Seventh Street store in particular is a wonderland of botanical choices, with a huge humming refrigerator full of buds that truly awe us. Besides the usual eye-popping birthday, wedding, and anniversary bonanzas, the shop also offers festive plants and balloon sculptures. When, oh when, we implore mistily, will someone surprise us with a fistful of Hoogasian?
615 Seventh St.; 1674 Lombard; 250 Post, SF. 1-800-BAY-AREA, www.hoogasian.com
You can run, but you can't hide. The clever souls at Aardvark Books on the Church Street corridor think they can sucker us into giving them a Best Used Bookstore award by placing this sign in their window: "Never Voted Best Used Bookstore Since 1978." Well, the joke's on you, page sniffers, because in the true tradition of literary irony, we are not recognizing that you are, indeed, a great used bookstore, with a top-notch selection of affordable, entirely timely titles. And we’re ignoring that you're one of the only places in the neighborhood whose magazine selection is an alternative to the alternative-only offerings elsewhere ... you know, for those times when you're just itchy for an ish of Food and Wine or Domino. Instead, we take smug pleasure in breaking your losing streak and christen your win as the Best Bookstore Never to Be Voted Best of Anything ... or something. So there! Ha!
227 Church, SF. (415) 552-6733
Editor's Picks
BEST POST-IDENTITY CRUELTY-FREE OUTPOST
BEST SHORTCUT TO ARTISTIC IMMORTALITY
BEST PROJECT RUNWAY: HOME EDITION
BEST INTERNET-DEFYING SUPER NEWSSTAND
BEST KISS MY COMICS ASS, I'M MOVING
BEST SHOP TO START YOUR OWN NSA
BEST LIQUOR-TO-OCTOPOID MAKEOVER
BEST PREPARATION FOR THE COMING VINTAGE CRASH
BEST SHOPPER-TUNITY FOR CLASSY CRAFTS
BEST BACKSTOCK OF "BUSH LIED" BOOKS
BEST NIBBLES TO ACCOMPANY FIFI'S LATTE
BEST EXPLORATORY AURAL RARITIES
BEST BASTION OF PALM-SIZE SELF-EXPRESSION
